Setting Boundaries: An Overview & Introduction

There has been so much talk about boundaries on the internet these days! I see so many of us looking to learn how we can be healthier in our relationships while also staying true to ourselves. While the internet is a great source of information, it can sometimes be hard to tell the difference between the times where we need a firm limit, a compromise, or where we need to reflect and change. In today’s blog post, I’m going to explore what boundaries are, what they are not, and strategies for how you might practice setting healthy boundaries in your own life! I’m planning to make this somewhat of a series, so let me know if there’s anything you want to know about boundaries and I can hopefully include it in future posts.

So.. what are boundaries? A boundary is a limit, expectation, distinction, or invitation between you and something else. Most of the time when we think about boundaries, we are thinking about relationships, but they come up in a lot of other areas too! You might be surprised to see the word “invitation” when we discuss boundaries. While boundaries are often seen as a way of keeping people “out”, they are also a way that we say “I’m inviting you into my world and this is what I need to feel safe”.

We can use boundaries with family, with friends, at work, at home, and even with ourselves. Boundaries come into play in nearly every interaction we have and is how we let ourselves and others know what we will and will not tolerate. Identifying our values and safety needs can be a great way to create boundaries, but can also be shaped by our fears or past experiences. Reflecting on our boundaries and why we have them can be an important part of our personal work. While boundaries are a key element of having a healthy relationship with ourselves and others, there are also many things that boundaries are not.

First, boundaries are not meant to be a tool of punishment or control. Using a boundary to “get even” with someone, make them feel bad, or try to change the way they are implementing a boundary is not a healthy way to use this tool. Boundaries are NOT meant to control other people or what they do. They are meant to express what we will or will not accept. Although boundaries will sometimes change, stating things like “I will let x happen if you just do x” or “If you loved me, you would do X” are forms of manipulating others and do not constitute healthy boundaries.

Second, boundaries are not always black and white or permanent. Sometimes they are and need to be rigid (this comes up a lot where safety is concerned), but they don’t always have to be. Maybe your boundary is that you need X before Y can happen. Maybe you are willing to alter or remove a boundary if you have something else you might need. For example, letting a friend know that you need to save money for a couple months before you can go out or take a trip. It might also look like telling someone that you need to build trust in the relationship before talking about a particular topic or engaging in certain activities. Our capacities and environments change, so our boundaries will too!

This is why the internal work to understand the driving values and the purpose of our boundaries is important to know. When we know the reason WHY we are implementing a certain boundary, not only can we feel more confident, but we can ensure that we are utilizing them in a safe and respectful way for others.

Now that we’ve talked a little bit about boundaries, let’s talk about some ways that we can identify and implement these boundaries in our own lives:

Explore Think about what you value, what you need, what you want, and what makes you feel safe. These are the key drivers of boundaries we will have. Curiosity is key here and it may take time to notice the boundaries that we already have. Here are some great resources for exploring your values if you’re not sure where to start:

• 100 Card Sort Game

• Narrowing Your Values

• Or Review the Value Cards to get some inspiration

Connect Map out how your values and needs can be connected to tangible practices in your relationships. For example, if you value consistency, what would it look like to bring consistency into your communication? These don’t have to be boundaries right away, but is just a time to connect our values with different aspects of our lives. If you value health, you might think about how health could be practiced in terms of nutrition, exercise, connection with the earth, or engaging in positive activities. This is really a time for brainstorming!

Practice Now it’s time to clearly set some boundaries! You can practice stating your boundary by writing it down or saying it out loud. If you’re trying something that feels really new, try starting off with a smaller boundary to get some practice in and test the waters a bit. The idea here is that we take the connections from our brainstorming to identify the ways in which we would hold a boundary. If we value honesty and want this to be part of our relationships, we might practice setting the boundary “I expect that you will be honest with me and I will be honest with you in return”. Practice with a loved one and getting their support can make all the difference!

Plan We already talked about how boundaries are not meant to control others – so what will you do if your boundary is not respected or not compatible with the other person? This is a tough question, but something that’s really helpful to plan out ahead of time so that you don’t end up with a compromise that you aren’t okay with. Maybe you identify some areas where you are willing to compromise, but maybe you decide an area where you have a hard limit. These things take time to figure out and require some trust in the relationship because setting boundaries can be a really vulnerable process.

Communicate It’s time to bring the boundaries into the light! Set yourself up for success by checking the environment and asking for consent before starting the conversation. A simple check-in can be “are we in a good space to dive into this right now?” - usually if tensions are high or there’s a limited amount of time, the answer is no. Once everyone is in a good headspace and ready to go, make sure to use effective communication skills! “I” statements, clear language, and being mindful of the other person are just the start of many communication skills you can use to get your message across.

Looking for somewhere to start with effective communication? Check out my free digital download with the 4 main interpersonal skills from DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)!

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Reflect & Reciprocate When we ask others to honor our values and needs, we need to be willing to do the same for them. When we are setting boundaries, we can ask ourselves ""how am I showing up for the other person?”. While this will vary a lot based on the kind of relationship, it’s important to ensure that we are creating a space to respect the needs of the other person. Additionally, if we are holding others to a standard, we need to be willing to hold ourselves accountable too. If we ask for honesty, but are not honest ourselves, this can create challenges in fairly holding our own boundaries. This reflection is an ongoing process and applies to so many aspects of our relationships!

The key to remember is that EVERYONE has boundaries! Even if we don’t notice them at first. We can choose to implement boundaries that honor our own experience, while being respectful of others, and engage in healthy practices that strengthen our well-being and relationships.

If you’re still not sure where to start, I’ve developed a short guide for exploring and implementing boundaries in your life. Click below to purchase your digital download now!

Guide to Setting Boundaries

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Boundaries create a way for us to create accountability and safety that can foster deeper connection. The way that we implement boundaries is going to vary based on the context, the level of safety we feel, the power dynamics of the relationship, and the risks involved. I’ll be exploring this more within my series on boundaries, so stay tuned!

A final reminder to close out today’s post:

You deserve to have boundaries. You deserve to be safe and feel safe. You deserve the love and support that you dream of.

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Thanks for reading!

I really appreciate you taking the time to read today’s blog post and I’d love to hear from you!

What’s a boundary that’s really important to you? What advice would you give to someone else trying to set a new boundary?

Let me know in the comments here or on Instagram!