This vs. That: Calm vs. Regulated
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Welcome to the new series! In This vs. That, I will be sharing posts to better understand the difference between mental health terms that either similar or used interchangeably so that we can explore the key similarities and differences together. I’d love to hear from you about mental health terminology you want to better understand or words that you hear used in the same way so that we can discuss them here!
Today, we’ll be looking at calm vs. regulated! As I’ve been scrolling social media, I see these words used in place of each other A LOT. As I reflected on this, I realized I was making this mistake all the time. This really got me thinking about how calm and regulated have many key differences that might seem small at first glance, but that can have big impact on the way we connect to our emotions and relate to others. Before we jump into calm and regulated - do you see them at the same thing? Do you notice others talking about them in the same way? I’d love to hear your thoughts on these topics!
Calm
Let’s start with calm. It’s supposed to be this nice, positive feeling. But there’s certain times where it doesn’t feel so nice. Like maybe if you’ve ever been upset and someone told you to “calm down” but that just brought your rage to a new level? Yep. It’s extremely frustrating. So how does this nice word become so enraging and what is that other person really asking for?
Technically, being calm is an emotion. It often means we are feeling content, relaxed and even peaceful. However, when another person asks us to “be calm” they are referring to a behavior, not an emotion. This usually means either a) “be composed” or b) “suppress your emotions for the sake of the situation”. This is why it’s important for us to distinguish between our emotions and our behaviors. While being calm might make it easier to control our behaviors, they’re still different things! This also highlights the difference between how we feel on the inside and how we appear to others. Just because we have control of our emotions, doesn’t mean we feel calm internally.
Somehow this turned into a little this vs. that side quest: calm vs. composed! Ultimately, composure is not necessarily a bad thing. Especially when we are in a dangerous or high stakes situation, it can be really important to stay in control of our emotions and our reactions. The key here is just to identify that calm is an emotion and although other people might “see” calm in certain behaviors, there are important differences between how we feel and how we act. We will come back to this piece about controlling our behaviors when we discuss regulation.
So what does it really mean to be calm? Merriam-Webster offers a very poetic definition “a state of tranquility” and there’s this associated with “calm seas” where there is a lack of wind or storms. When you explore the definitions of calm offered by a Google Search, you’ll see many definitions pertaining to the “absence of negative emotion”. When I think of feeling “calm”, I think of a quietness or stillness inside which makes me feel grounded in myself. What does calm feel like to you?
Regulated
Now that we’ve explored calm, let’s talk a little bit about what regulation is. Regulated a state of our nervous system where we are functioning within the capacity of our nervous system and can be in control of our behaviors without being overwhelmed by emotion. Dr. Dan Siegel created an incredibly helpful way to understand and visualize this when he created the “window of tolerance”. When we are regulated, we are within the window of tolerance - stressors are manageable, our nervous system is not overwhelmed, and we are engaged with our surroundings. Trauma can impact our capacity to regulate by shrinking our window of tolerance (reducing the capacity of our nervous system) and making it more difficult to handle stressors.
This great graphic is from National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine where they explore this topic in more depth!
As you can see on the super helpful diagram to the right, there are different states of our nervous system. The window of tolerance refers to when we are regulated. When we start to get outside of our capacity but are still in control, we get into dysregulation. When we to the point where our nervous system is overwhelmed, we enter either hyperarousal or hypoarousal. One thing to note here, is that sometimes when we think someone is “calm”, they are actually hypoaroused - in “freeze” or shut down mode where they have disconnected from their internal experience.
On the diagram, you’ll see the word calm in the window of tolerance! This is referring to the idea that we have balance when we are regulated - we are not feeling so much of one emotion that we are overcome by it. When we are in our window of tolerance, we can feel a variety of emotions, but we are still able to be grounded in ourselves and remain aware of and engaged in our environment.
Similarities
Quieting the Turbulence. Just as being calm refers to the “tranquil waters” of our emotions, regulation refers something very similar for our nervous system. When stressors creates ripples in the water, if we are able to make the waters still again, we are practicing regulation skills. Although they refer to different domains, there is this shared aspect of peacefulness and being grounded in our own experience.
Environmental Awareness. As we were just exploring, being calm or regulated allows us to be aware of what’s going on around us and interact with our environment. These each represent an emotional state and nervous system state which allows us to be internally grounded enough to look outward and engage with the world around us. By being calm or regulated, we are centered enough to respond to other people or things in our environment in an authentic way.
Capacity for Control Over our Behaviors. Just as both of these allow us be grounded enough to connect to our environment, this grounded-ness also increases our capacity for controlling our actions. While our behaviors are not dictated by our emotions, being grounded in calmness or regulation create a foundation for us to think through and make choices that are aligned with our values.
Differences
Absence of Negative Emotion. Just because you are regulated, doesn’t mean you are feeling a particular emotion! You can be frustrated, sad, or any other emotion and still be regulated. Calm refers to this positive, tranquil feeling, while regulation has to do with the way that our nervous system is activated. I’ve found that people can sometimes feel pressure to “get rid” of negative emotions to be regulated and in control, but this is not a precondition for being regulated.
Emotion vs. Nervous System. The difference I’ve been highlighting throughout this article is that these terms are in different categories! Calm is an emotion, it refers to how we feel emotionally. Regulation has to do with our bodies, our nervous system, and the ways in which we are activated to fight, flight, or freeze in stressful or dangerous situations. While these two might “look” the same on the exterior, this can result in a very different internal experience.
Capacity for Growth. As we’ve established the emotion vs. nervous system piece, that also changes what our capacity for growth. In many ways, we don’t have control over our emotions. So being calm or not isn’t always something we can change. However, because regulation is centered around our nervous system, we have the opportunity to grow our capacity for regulation. By working to expand our window of tolerance, we can practice tools to stay regulated when we are experiencing a wide variety of emotions.
Ready to Learn More?
If you’re interested in reading a little bit more about the window of tolerance…
The infographic from above is from the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine and they have a great article where you can learn more about the window of tolerance with lots of great information.
Psychology Today has a great general overview of the window of tolerance.
Mind My Peelings has a great article exploring how the window of tolerance impacts you where they do an incredible job of breaking down terminology and discussing strategies to widen your window!
Thank You for Reading!
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